I’m watching OitNB and I don’t know how I feel about how piper reminds me of myself, and Alex of you. A narcissist and a pragmatist.

There was a space
I left when I left
That quickly filled
But I came back
To look back
And feel something
I looked and I found
No room for me to be
But I didn’t give up
I chose not to see
And I pushed and squirmed
Apparently under your thumb
To fit back home where I belong
But it was too small
I was crushed
Suffocated
So I panicked and cried
Because I squeezed in
To try and fit home
It looked like your fault
But was mine
Because I left and I lost
And then I forgot
There will never be room for me
And I apologize for hoping
To come back
It was uncalled for

I rub my eyes

Am I waking up
Or falling back into a dream?
I feel so happy
But its not as perfect
As It would seem.
Dont get me wrong
I can’t deny
I feel a twinkle
In my eye.
A skip in my heart
A ghost on my lips.
A bit of regret
Still lingers on.
But then again
Its not unreasonable
When our love is almost seasonal.
I don’t even know what I feel
When I smell him on you
I don’t remember what’s real.
I wish I hadn’t noticed.
But what could I really expect.
You’re only human and you’ve got human needs
I don’t give a fuck about fucking
And over feel about feeling
I’ll take what I can get
From the angel with my heart
Because I don’t know if I can take that back
I tried a few times
To no real result
To move on forward and away
Only to find the place that’s my home
Rarely lasts a day
But my heart and my love
Have some heart of their own
With a diamond of hope
That something might happen
Because were so close
But we’re live wires flailing around
Colleges states apart
But our red strings of fate
Are the bloody strings of our heart
That creaked and strained In those months apart
And the butterflies in my stomach
Whisper in my bones
That while you might be in other arms
They don’t fit like mine.
And its not the same
With their fingers and your spine
But even though we need each other
We can’t need too much
Because the closer we get
The faster we go
And we shake and rattle and roll
Falling together and falling apart
Leaving is bitter and our mouths tart
But I love you
And while part of me wants to forget
I would do it all again
Because you make me feel
Everything

I don’t have the guts I guess to text you. If you see this though, and you want to hang out one more time before I leave for college then message me. I leave Saturday and am free all of Wednesday. I doubt you even check this blog though.

I miss you.

Pierced

Every shard
Of shattered love
I dig out from beneath my ribs
Proves how wrong it ever was
To let that love grow or live
It hurts even now
To cast out
The parts of you I’ve kept
But I remind myself
How little I meant
To you
Whenever I haven’t slept
It was only a matter of time
Till you broke my heart
Its all you’ve ever done
From the first you had
That you left feeling sad
Its all you’ve ever known
I feel sorry for you
Almost
Though I know you don’t want my pity
Since I decided you weren’t ever worth it
But I love you still
Meaning there’s something left to dig out
At least I wasn’t completely hollow
I wish your heart luck
Have fun living life on the run
Because SydKeepsRunning
Take your brakes stopping here
Or there or there
But you’ll never stop waiting
For something you’re running from

You were killing me
And I guess you still are
But I needed space
To breathe while dying
But I said I’d be back.
So I got a bit better
And walked calmly back to you
To keep my promise
And because I missed you
For nothing in the end.
I was a pain.
There was no room for me
You could maybe see me once
Every other week
For just a fewwwww hours
And then it fucked up so much
Of the stuff you were doing
That I would feel bad
Just for seeing you.
You didn’t even have time
To consider my feelings
I made clear
I love you
I still do
But one of of those few times
I got to see you
It wasn’t even about me
Even if I spent all my time
Getting ready, smiling giddy
Because I couldn’t wait
To see the most important person
I’ve ever met
And you stopped just long enough to flirt
With a guy your friend set you up with
I guess I should thank you
Because you finally made it clear
I wasn’t welcome in your life anymore
I just caused problems
Had inconvenient feelings
You just didn’t have time for
And I didn’t have time to cry about you
I hope you’re happier without me.
Even though I still cry everyday
Until I can’t look anyone in the eye
Im sorry I ever loved you
I didn’t mean to get in the way

Every night
I keep a blanket
Rolled out neat
Like a person
And if I do it just right
I can put my arm to sleep
And pull at it
Like it was air and I needed it
As if it were you
Sometimes it is in my dreams
And I’m not lonely again
Until I wake up
With my own body heat
My same old morning breath
Alone
Grasping for phantoms
Of a year ago today
July fourth
Back when I was happy
When your name didn’t burn like acid
While I’m trying to melt
When you drew on this
Or that
And they were just doodles
But now they’re all I have
And acid is my favorite flavor
Because it burns oh so right
I need anything to hurt
Because I have nothing to fight
Except escape lying left and right
With death as their goalkeeper
But that’s a war not a fight
Just like forgetting and remembering
The taste of love those nights
Oh how it burned
Just like acid

3oclock

It’s 3oclock in the morning
And I just want to hear your voice
Over all this time the sound has faded
As if it’s had a choice
.
It has changed so much
From bouncing around my head
I don’t remember what it sounds like
When all I think is “I wish I were dead”
.
But still I remember those nights
Where that was what you thought
Curled, crying alone
Waiting for your cheeks to dry
And for your arms to clot
.
And its 3oclock in the morning
And I think I hear your voice
But I don’t know what it’s saying
Maybe that I have a choice
.
Because lover,
Its 3oclock in the morning
And I’m curled, crying alone
And I’m waiting for my cheeks to dry
Wishing I had a home
.
Because it is 3oclock
In the fucking morning
And I wish I had something
To make the pain stop
So my ears wouldn’t ring
Like they’re going to pop
.
I wish everything was different
I wish I weren’t alone
I wish I could be like you
Waiting so peacefully
For the blood to clot
.
But it’s 4oclock in the morning
And maybe I am dead
Maybe I died that day when I decided
To forget us and everything we did and said
When we were together
When we stayed together those times
Better times
At 3oclock those mornings